


Is This Desire?

by Lazarus76



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Complicated Relationships, Eating Disorders, F/M, Gaslighting, Hux has too much ego, POV Hux, warning - triggering for EDs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-11
Updated: 2016-08-11
Packaged: 2018-08-08 03:10:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7741066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lazarus76/pseuds/Lazarus76
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wanting to get to the top is fine. Caring what other people think is fine. But allowing it to go to extremes can have disastrous consequences.</p><p>This could be triggering for eating disorders - my apologies if it is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is This Desire?

     Hux swallows as he sits in the driver's seat. He's about to leave the car and walk back into First Order, Inc, when his phone pings. He blinks. A text. 

 

     _Yes, I would like my CDs, my DVDs, my books back. Put them in a box, leave them at reception at my work place. I'll pick them up. Thank you._

 

Running a hand down his face, he gulps. He didn't expect it to be this brutal, or this cold. He never thought he'd be in the position of being on the back foot, trying to second guess what was coming next. He opened the car door, and headed inside. He had a meeting to attend, a stack of paperwork to deal with, and when he returned home, a boxful of memories to parcel up.

 

    Walking into the office, he noticed that the receptionist, normally garrulous, seemed to suddenly shrink and withdraw into herself. As if on cue, the admin assistant suddenly looked away. A hush descended when he walked in now, although, he reflected sourly, it was nothing to do with the power and prestige of owning First Order. It was everything to do with the brutal realisation of how what others' thought affected him far more than he ever would like it to. How even his position could not insulate him from the poisonous whispers, and sly glances. 

 

    In the office at last, he sat down, opening his PC files. Suddenly, Phasma entered, carrying a mug. "Thanks. Coffee?"

 

    "Tea," she responded, promptly. Hux nods. "Appreciated."

 

    "So...how...I mean..."

 

     "Well, she wasn't alone."

 

     "Oh, Armitage-"

 

     "And I'd prefer not to talk about it." He reaches for the mug, hoping his hand stops trembling enough for him to drink without spilling. "But all I will say is that isn't it interesting how silent everyone goes now? Whenever they see me?"

 

     Phasma is silent, looking at the buttons on her perfectly tailored cream jacket. "You do know Ren and I tried our hardest-"

 

     "I know." He looks at her. "And I did fire a couple. But, she still knew. Still knew they were whispering, giggling-"

 

     "Bullying." Phasma nods. "Was she with-"

 

     "Yes." Hux grimaces. "Didn't take him long, did it?"

 

     Phasma looks sympathetic, but leans over and gently touches his arm. "You can get through this. One day, you both might-"

 

     He looks at her. "Meeting, I think, come on."

 

     He gets up, her following. He knows what she believes, but at present, all he can see is a dark vortex of what could have been a positive future. As he walks towards the conference room, his mind is flipping through memories, refusing to be quiet, refusing to accept reality.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

    "So how did it go?"

 

     Hux looks up from his iPhone to answer Ren, the two men sitting in a secluded area of the FO canteen. He smiles. "It was...nice."

 

    "Just nice?"

 

    "Ren, a gentleman never reveals his secrets."

 

    The dark haired man grins. "Then I'll assume it was better than nice."

 

    Hux pretends to send an email and not reply. Smiling to himself, Ren leaves it.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

   "This feels so good."

 

    "Really?"

 

    "Yes. Its been a long time since I had curves to sink my head in."

 

    "Please continue."

 

    "I will."

 

    "I take it...your exes weren't like me?"

 

    "Absolutely not. Polar opposite. Well, not that extreme, but - "

 

   "I see."

 

   +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

   Hux is in his office, puzzled and troubled by the conversation he's overheard. He was downstairs, seeing out visitors from a conference, when he heard giggling coming from the side office, the province of the filing clerks. Standing by the door, he listens.

 

  "She is with him?"

 

   "She is."

 

   "What does he see in her?"

 

   "He can see a lot of her!"

 

   "That's a little harsh."

 

   "Harsh, but true. He's so thin - maybe he has a fetish."

 

   "He could get help for it."

 

   Hux is at his desk, mulling over their words. The sheer spite in them has shocked him, but he has no idea what to say.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

  "Are you sure you want to order that?"

 

  "I- what?"

 

   "Its just it is very high in sugar. High in calories."

 

   "Hux- what is it?" 

 

   "I just think- sometimes, you just don't need to eat sugar, that's all."

 

   "Are you implying I'm fat?"

 

   "No, just...people should be careful."

 

   "Easy for you to say with your stupidly fast metabolism."

 

   "Well, you do gain weight easily - you admitted it."

 

   "Let's leave dessert. In fact, I think I have something to do at home. I'll call you tomorrow."

 

   "I-"

 

   "Goodnight Hux."

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

  "Rey? Are you here to see Ren?"

 

   "No, I'm here to see you."

 

   "What about?"

 

   "Did you know that she's not really eating?"

 

   "What?"

 

   "I mean it. Just...not really eating properly."

 

   "Well, I haven't seen much of her in the last week or so."

 

   "Then maybe you should."

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

   "Look, I didn't mean you were fat, just that you might want to watch it-"

 

   "Thanks, Hux. Remind me, why did we get together?"

 

   "Well, I can have a conversation with you, and-"

 

   "But I don't turn heads. Not like your ex. And I've heard what your staff say."

 

    "I haven't heard anything."

 

   "Oh really? Maybe you're deaf."

 

   "That's uncalled for."

 

   "So are your comments."

 

   "I did ring to ask if you wanted to go out for a meal-"

 

   "So I can have a barrage of criticism from the offset from someone who has to eat to stay a small size? No thank you."

 

   "Well, that's the decision made."

 

   "You're breaking up with me?"

 

   "Let's just say I need a break. When you get over this, do call me."

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

   "She- what?"

 

   "Collapsed."

 

    "Ren, are you sure?"

 

    "Very sure. My mother's the principal, remember? She was the one who thought the two of you should be introduced, get to know each other."

 

    "But - why?"

 

    "Not eating. Became worried that everyone thought she was fat. Mom spent time at home with her, talking to her about it."

 

    "I- should go and see her."

 

    "Not a good idea. I know this isn't your fault, but you didn't exactly help."

 

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

     "So, you don't want to meet up?"

 

     "Leave it."

 

   "I want to try and make things better-"

 

    "I doubt that can happen. You're too obsessed with how people perceive you. And I should have guessed something was wrong when you referred to me as buxom."

 

    "Buxom, curvy, they did not mean anything else!"

 

    "Hux...its not going to work. I can't be what deep down you want. Because if you wanted me, this wouldn't have happened."

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

  

    "So, are you going to try again?"

 

     "No. I'm hoping she might see sense."

 

     "Its over. Forget it."

 

     "That's the problem. When you cause something good in your life to end, you want to save it."

 

     "Hux-"

 

     "I'll convince her. You watch me."

 


End file.
